"He who writes, reads twice"
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
WISH I COULD BE A ROBOT!
Emotions are a hellava thing! You struggle to hold on to them, you struggle to let them just go. You pretend with people that you don't care but you secretly need them to know that you do.
But I've realized it's harder to keep the pretense up than not or do I just wear my feelings more on my shoulders than anyone else? I thought I was getting there..that place where no-one or nothing can hurt me....but I was wrong. All these walls I've built over the years and still those dark, creepy, sad and angry emotions are climbing over and engulfing me.
But I've realized it's harder to keep the pretense up than not or do I just wear my feelings more on my shoulders than anyone else? I thought I was getting there..that place where no-one or nothing can hurt me....but I was wrong. All these walls I've built over the years and still those dark, creepy, sad and angry emotions are climbing over and engulfing me.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Adjustment Bureau
It's been almost a month now that I moved out on my own (yes, this was the change that I'd needed and eventually initiated).
It took a lot out of me to get to this stage. I'd fought so long and hard internally to deal with my issues and my emotions. All my doubts playing over and over, giving me reasons to hold on to something that I needed to let go of. There were constant road blocks in my path for a new life and I eventually got over the hurdles of fear and doubt. I finally made the move.
The funny thing about change though....is that the preconception that you have of what will happen when the change is effected...is never what really happens. So I'm spending a LOT of time figuring out things...adjusting, getting to know myself. I've thrown myself into social events to occupy myself but at the end of the day, coming home to myself to face four walls each day is not quite what I imagined single life would be.
It's still been a very liberating experience all the same. I don't have to answer to anyone, I can leave my clothes where I want to leave them, wash the dishes when I feel, cook when I feel to and enjoy the quiet solitude an empty house affords you. All of this will change when my 7 year old comes home from vacationing with her grandparents though. Yet another albeit welcomed change to my new schedule.
I look forward to the future, but there is that lingering thought......"what does my future hold for me?"
It took a lot out of me to get to this stage. I'd fought so long and hard internally to deal with my issues and my emotions. All my doubts playing over and over, giving me reasons to hold on to something that I needed to let go of. There were constant road blocks in my path for a new life and I eventually got over the hurdles of fear and doubt. I finally made the move.
The funny thing about change though....is that the preconception that you have of what will happen when the change is effected...is never what really happens. So I'm spending a LOT of time figuring out things...adjusting, getting to know myself. I've thrown myself into social events to occupy myself but at the end of the day, coming home to myself to face four walls each day is not quite what I imagined single life would be.
It's still been a very liberating experience all the same. I don't have to answer to anyone, I can leave my clothes where I want to leave them, wash the dishes when I feel, cook when I feel to and enjoy the quiet solitude an empty house affords you. All of this will change when my 7 year old comes home from vacationing with her grandparents though. Yet another albeit welcomed change to my new schedule.
I look forward to the future, but there is that lingering thought......"what does my future hold for me?"
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Why?
People are always reititerating that quote that "people come into your lives for a reason"....but when will you EVER know what that reason is for? 20 years down the line - when emotions have already been lived and cried over? When you no longer have any feelings?
I need to know why NOW. Why were you in my Life, before, now, ever?????
What have I learned? How have I grown? What did I take away from my encounter/s with you? And what would it matter when I figure out the answer to these questions??????????
I need to know why NOW. Why were you in my Life, before, now, ever?????
What have I learned? How have I grown? What did I take away from my encounter/s with you? And what would it matter when I figure out the answer to these questions??????????
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Tick,tock,tick,tock,tick,tock,tick,tick,tick,tick......
So I finally initiated that change that I've been talking about in my past posts...and when I say "initiated" I mean just initiate....nothing physically has changed as yet....a talk was had and things are in motion but nothing has actually happened as yet. It seems to be the story of my Life recently...where nothing in my Life happens instantly....everything is gradual.
I keep wondering if there is a reason for the gradual part....is there some lesson I'm suppose to be learning from this while the wheels are in motion and nothing's actually moving? Am I suppose to churn along with time until I figure out the answer?
I know deep down that this change is what I want, what I need actually...so why does it feel as if the second hand has slowed and time is working backwards instead of moving foward? I want this now!
At times like this I feel helpless in my own body. My mind keeps playing tricks with me. How patient can one person be when it's not the future we're dealing with but the present?!
I keep wondering if there is a reason for the gradual part....is there some lesson I'm suppose to be learning from this while the wheels are in motion and nothing's actually moving? Am I suppose to churn along with time until I figure out the answer?
I know deep down that this change is what I want, what I need actually...so why does it feel as if the second hand has slowed and time is working backwards instead of moving foward? I want this now!
At times like this I feel helpless in my own body. My mind keeps playing tricks with me. How patient can one person be when it's not the future we're dealing with but the present?!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I have this desire to write, to write all my feelings for the World to read.
To write of; the feelings of depression I used to have, the day it stopped, the day I decide to change my physical self in order to work on my emotional self, the day that my bf came into my life, the day he left emotionally, the way I fought to struggle to hold on, to the day that I stopped fighting but just hang on still by threads. I want to write about what motivates me usually, what or who motivates me now, write about the desire I feel to be someone else and do things that I never dreamt that I would do. I want to write about the rollercoaster of emotions that I go through just on one day alone - how some days could really be good and how others really really bad and how some of these days actually merge into one - leaving me exhausted in a way that I don't want to think but just can't stop. I want to write of my dreams of independence and freedom and my aim to make it happen soon and the fear that it will.
I've put myself against a wall and a hard place and now I'm feeling the ramifications of it. I know that this feeling will go away with time...but I just want it to go now.
I have this desire to write, wishing, hoping that it will take away the pain if I just voice it or put it into words....but it doesn't help one bit!
To write of; the feelings of depression I used to have, the day it stopped, the day I decide to change my physical self in order to work on my emotional self, the day that my bf came into my life, the day he left emotionally, the way I fought to struggle to hold on, to the day that I stopped fighting but just hang on still by threads. I want to write about what motivates me usually, what or who motivates me now, write about the desire I feel to be someone else and do things that I never dreamt that I would do. I want to write about the rollercoaster of emotions that I go through just on one day alone - how some days could really be good and how others really really bad and how some of these days actually merge into one - leaving me exhausted in a way that I don't want to think but just can't stop. I want to write of my dreams of independence and freedom and my aim to make it happen soon and the fear that it will.
I've put myself against a wall and a hard place and now I'm feeling the ramifications of it. I know that this feeling will go away with time...but I just want it to go now.
I have this desire to write, wishing, hoping that it will take away the pain if I just voice it or put it into words....but it doesn't help one bit!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Something's gotta give!
Change is such a difficult notion for some people (and for 'some people' I mean ME - atleast for the purpose of this blog).
When other people or things have to change it's easier to accept or go with the flow but when the change affects you or has to start with you...then suddenly it becomes the hardest decision or task to undertake.
There's something major in my Life that I need to change and I can't tell you how much I've analyzed and pyschoanalyzed the situation - tried to see it from both sides of the coin - tried to see whether I'm just going through a phase - tried to see if I could just leave things the way they are & hope for the best or for things to right itself. But everything keeps coming back to the same thought! Change is a must!
People say sometimes that for a person to want to effect the change they need, that something major must occur in their life to trigger it. But in my case, it's been a series of small occurrences. Occurrences that when you put them by themselves, are minor and inconsequential but when you add them up, day after day, month after month or year after year - could turn out to be catastrophic. And, I think (at the chances of being totally cliche) that I've truly reached the end of the rope!
I still wonder though whether I'm not giving the benefit of the doubt. Whether I'm just giving up or whether it's because I've just stopped caring and that's why I'm ready to effect this change. Am I truly asking myself the right questions? And, are the answers to my questions skewed towards my own self-preservation simply because I want this change?
When other people or things have to change it's easier to accept or go with the flow but when the change affects you or has to start with you...then suddenly it becomes the hardest decision or task to undertake.
There's something major in my Life that I need to change and I can't tell you how much I've analyzed and pyschoanalyzed the situation - tried to see it from both sides of the coin - tried to see whether I'm just going through a phase - tried to see if I could just leave things the way they are & hope for the best or for things to right itself. But everything keeps coming back to the same thought! Change is a must!
People say sometimes that for a person to want to effect the change they need, that something major must occur in their life to trigger it. But in my case, it's been a series of small occurrences. Occurrences that when you put them by themselves, are minor and inconsequential but when you add them up, day after day, month after month or year after year - could turn out to be catastrophic. And, I think (at the chances of being totally cliche) that I've truly reached the end of the rope!
I still wonder though whether I'm not giving the benefit of the doubt. Whether I'm just giving up or whether it's because I've just stopped caring and that's why I'm ready to effect this change. Am I truly asking myself the right questions? And, are the answers to my questions skewed towards my own self-preservation simply because I want this change?
Friday, February 10, 2012
Finding yourself or just simply changing?
"Finding yourself" is a weird phrase. Where did 'yourself' go in the first place for you to have to find it? Did you lose it, did it run away, did someone take it, did you lend it out? People say this phrase so often, I wonder if they ever evaluate the meaning of 'finding' yourself? I know what it's purported to mean....that you finally discover who you really are (after a Lifetime of not knowing your true self). But it begs the question, if you never knew who you were before...then who's Life have you been living all your Life?
Is it your Parents? Teachers? Is it Society's version of who you are suppose to be? And then this 'new' person that you found in yourself.....where did they come from? Wouldn't 'they' have had to develop 'their' personality from somewhere/person/s? So then you didn't really find 'yourself'didyah? You just found another person. And what if you find this new self and adopt it as your new 'you'.....what if - in a few years you don't like this 'new' self....what are yah gonna do with it? Lose it again? Go back to your 'old' self or do you 'find' yourself all over again?
It's all mind boggling isn't it? Well it's certainly something to think about before you use the phrase. Just admit to the fact that you are changing...it's a natural course of Life - Change! Be happy or sad with the change and move on in Life. Live!
Is it your Parents? Teachers? Is it Society's version of who you are suppose to be? And then this 'new' person that you found in yourself.....where did they come from? Wouldn't 'they' have had to develop 'their' personality from somewhere/person/s? So then you didn't really find 'yourself'didyah? You just found another person. And what if you find this new self and adopt it as your new 'you'.....what if - in a few years you don't like this 'new' self....what are yah gonna do with it? Lose it again? Go back to your 'old' self or do you 'find' yourself all over again?
It's all mind boggling isn't it? Well it's certainly something to think about before you use the phrase. Just admit to the fact that you are changing...it's a natural course of Life - Change! Be happy or sad with the change and move on in Life. Live!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
New year, New beginnings, New resolutions, New body, New goals, New everything!
Realized again that I've been letting my Blog go to waste....haven't written in ages......need to practise my writing & can't seem to find the time to do it. Been busy becoming a new-old me! Realized late last year what my problem was.....it was always ME. I stopped believing in myself. I stopped loving myself...and while it could be said that there were 'others' that may have contributed to that - most of my problems that lay at my doorstep was placed in a tightly-bounded package.....wrapped, sealed & delivered by 'yours truly'! It was a little difficult coming to terms with that little discovery or self realization but when it came to me, it came with full force. I realized that even though I always thought I was happy with who I was......I really wasn't - I was a shell of who I used to be. I convinced myself that even though there were some minor things I wasn't happy about that I was still a generally 'happy' person. But I finally asked myself "how could you not be happy with some things but still be happy altogether?" I was really partially happy. Once I accepted that - I was able to accept the things that needed to change. And now I'm truly happy to report....that I'm on my way to accomplishing just that! CHANGE!
Now to leave you with a little poem that I came across and for some reason - I just like it so I'll post it!
A heart enthralled
-a silly smile
-a sly look
-a gentlemanly gesture
-a listening ear
A heart captured
-an intuitive guess
-a tiny push
-a gentle kiss
-a not-so-gentle kiss
A heart broken
-an unkind word
-an indifferent reaction
-an expected rejection
A heart mended
-a difficult answer
-a promised explanation
-a smart decision
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