Mid-night thoughts

I am Roman Catholic.  I love my Religion with all of its deep-seated traditions and beliefs which keep me believing faithfully.  I've never read or studied the whole Bible, maybe not even a full book, but I believe fully that there is a God who created everything and everyone and I do believe that there is a reason and purpose for Life. 

But recently I have found it difficult to believe wholly and fully everything that's in the Bible.  Yes, I know the Bible was penned by man and that interpretation is up to the reader and that the gist of it all is to live your life by the examples set out in the Bible.  But recently, with this new age of information, where books and websites and movies have been bombarded into the World - each new person with a new idea on what really took place in the biblical world, what secrets the bible, Churches and secret organisations keep from the general population and then this whole thing about believing in the power of yourself and the Universe.  It all offers good 'arguments' or points always giving the open mind 'food for thought'. 

And there seems to be evidence that some of it is true....especially through personal experiences ....for instance when you realize that you've thought about someone and they call or write or meet up with you the very same day, or you are depressed and someone sends you the very message that offers insight or solace at the just the right moment. And then you recall the book/s that say "when you put something out into the Universerve it manifests itself back to you" and you think "maybe they're onto something here".  But you know there's this struggle inside you were you want to believe that it's only God's doing...but then you wonder why wasn't God's doing working the other day when you'd 'put something else out into the Universe'.    More and more, the books I've read all offer contradictions in what I was brought up to believe.  Some more than others. (Deliberately avoiding more on the topic of secrets of the bible at the moment). 

Of course, what I've been brought up to believe is quite an interesting contradiction in itself. 

My father apparently was a staunch Catholic.  My mother a not-so staunch but still one who prayed to Jesus, Mary and St. Anthony whenever the need was there.  She told me I was baptized when I was a baby as a Catholic but years after she died I find out I wasn't baptized and my Godparents were never my godparents....one I should have seen from early - as she was somewhat 'atheist' - atleast she believed that a child should be brought up to choose their own beliefs and religion so she never carried her child to church or forced any religion on her.

I went to a Pentecostal School in Barbados for 3 years before turning 10.  Was reintroduced to the Pentecostal beliefs through a friend as a pre-teen where I felt uplifted and joyful during the many Sunday School songs and gatherings.   But on the other hand, I'd desperately wanted to be a Catholic when I was attending a Catholic Girls Primary School (mainly because of the love and genuinity of one of my favorite teachers who sang Catholic songs to us and even went on to be a Missionary in Papua New Guinea - she was one of my heros).  I was able to do First Communion (a background check i.e. copy of baptistmal paper was allowed to fall through the loops, in error).   I loved being considered a R.Catholic especially later as a teen in a Catholic Girls school where I came the closest to being 'Spirtiual'.   But then my closest brother became a Jehovah's Witness (which initially to me was the ultimate betrayal) and in all his earnest  beliefs and wanting to convert his "wayward" sister, he would discuss his meetings with me and bring all their points to me...I even went to a few meetings with him...and met a lot of great, geniune people.  And as much as I resisted (because I loved the freedom of being Catholic against the seemingly tightly ruled Witnesses) I did see alot of their points and came to have respect for the religion (which is uncalled for with Catholics). 

But then being a Trinidadian, with all its diverse Religions and Cultures you tend to respect other's religions quite early in Life or you end up losing a lot of genuinely good friends. 

But my point about the J.W's is that during that period when my brother was an avid Witness ....he made me question a lot of things and in a bid to understand more, I joined a "Life in the Spirit" Seminar hoping to understand more and be able to combat the many questions, doubts my brother raised in me with my very own Catholic arguments.....but that Seminar left me in even more doubt and even more questions because the group leader never seemed to be able to answer any of my questions with a definite answer that didn't end in "because it's what we believe, or it's based on faith".  Nothing seemed logical or strong enough that I felt I could go back and argue....in fact, no-one was able to even quote a passage from the Bible without first looking it up and none of their interpretaions seemed to ring true to my own interpretation of the Word or Verse that was read.  So I left that Seminar without being given a Gift of the Spirit or anything even close to it.  Strangely enough, many years later....I would feel the same way about Adult Confirmation classes which if it wasn't for a renewed desire to know God - which the birth of my daughter caused due to the genuine desire to bring her up with a Catholic upbringing - I would certainly have left my faith.  (I had stopped going to Church for many years after that Life in the Spirit Seminar.)   Suffice to say, I was still not allowed to be properly baptised or confirmed in the Church because of a 'minor' glich in the system {being in a Common-law relationship} which prevented me from rectifying my very 'sin' because I needed to be confirmed to get married in the church but couldn't get confirmed because I was 'living in sin'.

Strangely enough, it has been my belief in God that has been my life saver in two very difficult times in my relationship.  Both times I felt drawn to visiting the Mount St. Bendadict Church in St. Augustine.  One time was before my daughter was born and it was a terrible time in my relationship, I was ready to give up on it when I decided as a last attempt to find a quiet, peaceful Church where I could pray.  I went to this church (which I consider the most peaceful Church on Earth) and I spent the day by myself praying.  I had never prayed so hard in my Life before, but between tears and questions and doubts, I prayed and prayed and when I left I couldn't say that I left with a visible weight or anything off my shoulders but I knew it was all left to God now.  Almost three months later I found out I was pregnant and my relationship changed drastically from the very moment my daughter was born.  And while it has its ups and downs still, it has never been as bad as that time.    So much is my gratitude to that one day that I recently visited it again for a half-day of prayer (this time with daughter in tow - who fully enjoyed the quiet, reverent yet unencumbered day we spent) when things were a little haywire again.

Tonight, after I think one too many late evening cups of coffee had me twisting and turning, and thoughts about the Universe and God came to mind, I got out of bed to write my thoughts down....so maybe this is God's message to someone, maybe it'll one day be a reminder to myself when I need it or maybe it's just nothing more than thoughts needing to be written - but I'm just glad that I could share it.