Picture not Perfect!!

Occassionally I'd be looking back at some old "fat" pictures and be thinking "damn, I look really small in those pictures" - (these would be pictures that - at the time of taking them - I would have felt that I looked really fat in them).

It seems these days that getting back to those 'smaller' days are becoming more and more difficult for me and it freaks me out sometimes.  I feel helpless sometimes at my own lack of self-determination and will power.  It seems so easy when others make the drastic change in their lifestyles and lose the weight...so why can't I do it too?

It scares me when I think about 2 to 3 years in the future.  Would I be looking at pictures of today & saying to myself "damn, I looked really small in those pictures"?  I really, really hope not!!!!

Innocent love!

My five year old daughter thinks I am perfect just the way I am....when I say to myself "look at this fat belly"....she comes and pushes at my stomach and goes...."fatty, fatty belly, belly" & laughs.  Once she even said to me.."mummy look", (raised her tee) "I have a fatty, fatty belly like you"...all proud and happy.  She's all skin and bones mind you! :P  When we are home and my daughter looks at me all doting and loving, I feel like the most special person in the world.

I dread though, the day that we are out (maybe while I'm trying on a new top or something) and she pushes my stomach and says "fatty belly, fatty belly" at my embarassment and probably, the amusement of everyone else. 

I really hope that day does not come! *blush,blush*

"I am so beautiful"

I remember when I was younger there was no end to the compliments that I would get.  I wouldn't think twice about how I would be perceived when I went out.  I would get dressed in any little or tight outfit that I wanted, I'd go out and I would feel absolutely great about myself.  I would see guys eyeing me and I'd eye them back...I'd even 'brace' (ignore) a few guys (good looking or not) because I knew I could.  Both, men & women, friends or strangers, would compliment me and although I didn't always accept the compliments from the guys gracefully (it always made me feel uncomfortable getting compliments from guys - esp. if I knew they had a girlfriend - so instead of simply saying "thank you", I'd spin it on them and say "don't you have a girlfriend?" - of course a close friend or two have had to say to me more than once "girl, you don't know how to take a compliment or what?").  BUT, secretly inside I was beaming or blushing with pride!  I even remember never wanting to be vain or letting it get to my head.

Now......I wish I could get just 1 compliment!  I'm not picky…..just once in a little while…..a little, genuine..."you look beautiful, ravishing maybe" would do.  And I don't care who I get it from, my fiancé, my girlfriends, my uncle-in-law twice removed, the vagrant around the corner…..I don't care.... somebody... anybody!!! 

Now honestly, when I am home and getting ready for a night out in the town (after all the changes of clothes of course) and I've put on my make up and decked up myself with a nice new top and accessories and I look at myself in the mirror….I do think, "hey, you've done well, you look gooooood, you are definitely going to catch somebody's eyes tonight"….I step out the bathroom or bedroom (had to have one last look at myself) ...I am beaming, smiling like a Cheshire cat and I wait expectantly for it…..but nada, nothing, not one compliment.   So I think, okay, I kept him back, he’s in a bad mood.   My girlfriends will make up for it.  But again….nothing!  Not even “hey, nice top, nice shoe, nice earrings”…nothing!

I mean, I know I don’t look the way I use to look.  I know I am a few (shy) pounds heavier than I was, but… I still take pride in the way I look when I go for a night out.  I still take the same amount of time to choose an outfit, to accessorize and to put on my makeup that I use to when I was younger and again, slimmer.  And, I know, I am looking good.  So why is it so hard to pay just one compliment?  Is it that I am really imagining that I am looking good tonight?  Is it that you feel that if you say… ‘hey you look lovely tonight’…that I’d get complacent and stay this way?  Well buddy…I am already this way & your silence isn’t helping in any way!

I just want to say….fat people don’t just get depressed because they are fat …they get depressed because people only see them as fat.

So go out and tell your sister, brother, cousin, uncle, aunt, friend or even an arbitrary stranger…. “you look great today!”  Put a J on someone’s face today & stop seeing only the fat (on yourself or on others)!!!!

Writer's Block Already???

I thought blogging would be sooo easy!  I mean...I like love to write and I thought "heyyyy, I can do that too!  If I could find two things that I'm good at and capitalize on that - I'd be just fine!"  So I figured, these days I'm good at the being fat and well, writing is second nature to me (I swear I write in my dreams!) BUT I am realizing that finding something to talk about everyday about my weight struggles...is a struggle in itself. 

What am I suppose to tell all of my 2 maybe 3 ;-) new followers?  Do I talk about the fact that everynight I go to bed saying "tomorrow is a new day and I'm gonna start my life all over again by using proper diet, start back the gym and not eat after 6? Yet, yesterday I ate four times instead of three (which included a whole Hershey's chocolate)!  NO, it wasn't one of those large ones that you must always pick up at Duty Free ....... just the "teensy tiny 8 block ones" :P   Or, do I talk about the fact that I just love food and only really feel guilty when I am around my skinny friends?  I mean, who cares?  Who wants to know that I am happy glutton?

This is definitely going to be difficult!  But I am going to persevere because....well as I said earlier....I love to write!

BTW, thanks for joining fellow followers! Hope I manage to put a smile on your face at some point of time :)

Newbie Blogger

So this is my very first attempt at blogging.....I knowwww......you're probably wondering "what World does she live in?"   Hmmm, well actually, I look around and not very many of my friends or family is into Blogging (well except for Facebook - who isn't hooked on Macobook right?)

I just want to take this first blog...to introduce to you what my blog's about.... (maybe it might evolve into something different or maybe I might enjoy thrashing out my most intimate thoughts for the whole world to see so much, that it might sustain itself).   Onnnn to it already right?  MY blog is about my most recent battle (and I say battle but not really recent) with the world of "FAT"...yes that's right...I said the bad word finally!   OK, I lie..... I've been saying that word to myself and a select few family and friends for nearly ten years now....so it ain't any new word to me! 

I went from a size 1 to 16 in 10 years (get it yet?)......okay maybe, it might actually be a 14....but who is counting right?  When you've put that much weight on in that space of time, the numbers start blurring together & you really do stop checking...you just go straight to the largerrrrr sizes anyway!

Anyways, I am not here to give you fantastic words of advice on how to "keep it strong" or how to feel good about yourself as you are or to bash skinny people bashing fat people....I am just here to VENT about my own frustrations, struggles with the yo-yoing and my own innate desire to lose the weight once again.  So I am NOT looking for words of advice on how to lose weight or to feel good about myself.  BUT, I will welcome anyone else willing to VENT (not bash) as we embark on this new journey into (dare I say) MY self discovery & maybe yours too (you never know)!!!